My (One and Only) Talent

As mentioned in my love letter to Tim Tebow (Tim, call me back), I play fantasy football on Yahoo. Well the league ended last night, and I, the man who usually writes the posts on this site and some of you call "friend", others make up names for, and still others can't remember the name of, won. There's a lot of subclauses in there, so to break it down: I won. I'm the best at fantasy football. In my first season, I beat real-life Americans at a game I don't even like. A knowledge based game, granted, but still.

And to prove that my team is the Red V:

Now, of course, I've won, so I'll probably never bother playing again. What's the point? I've already won. Do I need to win it again? Is it like when a team other than Manchester United wins the Premiership and then all the Man U fans come at you like a jilted astronaut? "Yeah, you've won it but a real champion retains the title". Then when you do so, like Arsenal and Chelsea both did this decade, they retort, a real champion wins the league 10 times in 18 years (or whatever it is). Eventually so many caveats are introduced that you come to the conclusion that a typical Manchester United fan believes that the only real champion can only ever be Manchester United. Luckily for me, I don't follow soccer, so I'll take my trophy-less, fantasy victory over people I don't even know and retire undefeated. In fairness, I whipped everyone's arse, scoring more total points, winning more games and holding the top points scoring QB, WR, HB, TE, K(icker) and D in the game. Man against boys, people.

This comes hot on the heels of me winning my fantasy NRL league, with my team, the Red V. The Red V is the nickname of the Saint George - Illawarra Dragons NRL club, so called because their jersey contains every combination of shapes, letters and colours apart from a Red V, hence the ironic name. One of my opponents asked me why I named my team after the lady pantaloon region. Red V? Really, that never crossed my mind, because I'm not 15. Anyway, that's really more of an alizarin.

Still, I'm now a champion at two different disciplines. Look out, Michael Phelps. In terms of talent, you could say it's one of the more pointless. But look at it my way, I'm not wasting it am I, like one of those potentially world champion tobogganists from the Sahara? I'm kicking all kinds of arse, across two continents, in two sports I don't even know a single person I can have a coherent conversation with on the subject of. That's a lot of prepositions. In America, they pay guys to talk about fantasy football, and do you know how I won? I completely ignored them. Michael Fabiano can smell my Brett Favre. If I listened to him I think I would have lost every game I played, which is infuriating. The longer I go on the dole, the more annoying it becomes to see people occupying jobs despite lacking the interest or acumen to perform them. My favourite one is that guy Tom Doorley, the restaurant critic for the Independant, who calls himself a wine critic despite the fact that he couldn't tell a Spanish Riocca from a week old fart sealed in an old Sprite bottle hidden behind a secondary-school radiator. I guess he knew a guy who knew a guy, that's the only way to get a job in the first place.

Since I'm a multi-discipline world public league champion and blogger I will now aggressively pursue Michael Fabiano's job. This is because I personally think Fabiano is a dickhead. He and another guy go on NFL Network on a Tuesday, during garbage time, on a show hosted by Lindsay "Tom Terrific Tom Terrific Brady... eh," Soto, who is the only woman in the network and knows literally nothing about NFL or any of its players, and the lot of them talk utter shite. That could be me. I can do that, I'm doing it right now. If more proof is needed, I won a Football Manager (the most difficult game ever) season with West Ham and PSG no less before, and one time Liam was playing it and losing all the time and I said I could do better so he said "prove it" and I won 8 games in a row with his team and then left. If even more proff is needed I heap good spell end I grammar have deadly.